A little over two weeks ago I had total right knee replacement. Looking back, I can clearly see that I was woefully unprepared. I went into it like heading to Disney. The reality was far more real and a lot less magical. On the outset let me make clear that the doctors, nurses, and physical therapists were all the absolute best, and I gladly sing their praises. The one who disappointed me terribly was none other than myself.

The first jump after surgery had the complication of my allergy to pain meds. Everything was worse from Monday until Thursday when I quit the pain meds all together. I could describe this in detail and let you know exactly how wimpish I was and how miserable I believed myself to be, but you might be eating while reading the blog.

The awareness of the loss of hope arrived during this time. My attitude was saying that everything was bad and wouldn’t get better. I was enduring, not progressing. I felt it would never end. Everything and every thought began to be painted with the dark, depressing hues of hopelessness. It was like I was disolving into a world of agony. I knew that was wrong. I’ve been a Christian for a long time. I became completely embarrassed by my thoughts and feelings, so a war broke out within me.

The first help I received (I’m talking about the inner battle — I’ve had so much support from my pastor, friends, and so forth that I can’t describe it all.) was when I turned on Pandora to praise and worship music and just listened. I found myself weeping and holding on to my phone like I was trying to grab a rescue rope. A short time later, I found that I was far more at peace and rest. Pain had even seemed to subside some, and I was not fighting so hard to find any position that was comfortable.

God encouraged me to remind myself how many things my family and I have walked through. Jesus has walked us through many low areas and provided many generous blessings. This triggered a whole thing of repentence. Look what a bad son I was complaining and whimpering as I was in the current discomfort. I’m glad that the Lord doesn’t think the way I do. I looked at my mesery as a reason to hate me. He looked at my misery as part of the process of His making me well. 

I chose to quit complaining. It was a big step. No matter how much it hurt, I still belonged to Jesus, and He was on the job. I quit putting all my energy into generating dissatisfaction from feeling how I did to how I wanted and expected to feel. It was necessary just to expect Jesus each day. He was here. He is trustworthy. He was on the job. Whatever discomfort I had was where Jesus had taken me so far. I could and would be thankful because despite what I was unable to see or understand, Jesus is God, and I am His. My inability and failure was not a measure of what He was doing and had planned to do.

Praise music was therapy. Thankfulness was therapy. Exercising trust in Jesus for each day instead of my desires and expectation was therapy. The inner part of my life was again painted with the hues of hope. My ability to tolerate the discomfort was holding on and improving. At the start, anything was overwhelming and too much to take on. As time went forward, I found myself wanting to do more and take on more.

Here is the real payoff. For two weeks, I was convinced I was a total failure. I had just come around to wanting to be a better son to a faithful and loving eternal Father. I went to the doctor to have the staples removed. He told me that I had surpassed the goals for two weeks and was rapidly getting my movement back. I was ready to begin transfer from a walker to a cane. All other related information was equally good. Despite all my attempts at a pitiful failure, Jesus was a resounding success. He had turned my attitude around, focused me on the things I needed to do day by day, and given me a better outcome than was expected. He proves Himself to us every day in every way. That is a fantastic and loving heavenly Father.

Recently I had a chance to volunteer at my high school to help seniors. One, in particular, was working on a project that really concerned her, a college application letter. She was stressed. This was a time in which I had a chance to wear my dad hat at the same time I wore my teacher hat.

She is a pretty girl, surrounded by a world and high school boys who constantly push her and value her based on the fact that she is a young, pretty, female. Somehow that gets ingrained. She is labeled and stereotyped by her peers and the false value system of the world around her. But I’m an old guy, a dad type guy. Pretty is nice, but it is a value far down the road from the real ones, the important ones.

It didn’t take long to distract her from the false value system and dive in to the real one. “Who are you? What are your value guidelines? What makes you do what you do? What does your heart say about you?” In short, I began to quiz her about her personhood, the things God looks at in us. The pharisees and sadduccees missed Jesus because their hearts weren’t toward God but were toward other things. This young woman has a great heart and has proven it already.

One of her core values is excellence, a great quality! She has proven it in the way she does school, dual enrollment, sports, and other facets of her life. Easy to verify in a letter to people who will know her by her words and actions and not by appearance, the college. She is a person of compassion and caring, verified by her missionary trip and various projects and life activities outside of school, including a full work schedule. I realized I was in the presence of one of my hero types who was only seventeen, but already great in heavenly stature. 

Her open gratitude for my help was another proof of her personhood. I had only acted as a mirror, reflecting to her the qualities and values closest to her heart. She was empowered to write a solid college application letter, which included the verifications of those qualities in her actions. She was satisfied with the letter and felt it was solid. I was satisfied because I was able to show her that she was so much more than the labels and appearances, a great dad moment type thing.

The real value in this for me was related to my Jesus relationship. I think I too often see Jesus talking and dealing with familiar appearances when I read the Bible. He is not. He is talking to the hearts, the inner being, of those with whom He is dealing. He is not distracted by rich, famous, poor, unknown, pretty, ugly, powerful, weak, or any other appearance. He goes straight to the heart and talks there. I often miss that.

This seventeen year old person, whose stature is already great in the real kingdom, reminds me and preaches to me in her life about the two most important things I need to track all the time. 1. Life is relationship, personhood to personhood, especially with Jesus. 2. It is about the heart, not the labels, stereotypes, or appearances. God is not ashamed of young people and feels free to use them in His plan for His hope in this world. This young woman is already aware and involved with that plan. 

Feeling used is probably a pretty normal experience. Consider the pretty girl who isn’t treated like a person because someone can’t think past her appearance. Same experience comes to handsome men or for anyone who is dealt with according to their appearance instead of their personhood, for good or bad. Pretty normal. The word stereotype operates in so many directions that it can be turned on anyone at just about anytime.

How many have been misused because of the overwhelming need of the person they are facing instead of for the purpose of the get together, or maybe their own needs get in the way of being understood or understanding others. Human beings are pretty complicated. Sometimes it ends up being funny, things you laugh about together afterwards. Sometimes not.

Being outgoing and humorous always got me into trouble. I feel like I live from “I Love Lucy” embarrassing moment to the next embarrassing moment. My tendency to want to lighten a tense situation has caused others to use me to lighten a situation, often causing me to feel belittled or joking at me instead of with me.

These kinds of thoughts make me want to understand relationships better. I want to be better in the relationships I have and the ones I’ve yet to build. I want to find all the humor, purpose, joy, empathy, and compassion and all the other good things that make relationships so crucial to a healthy life. I want to find them, and I want to give them. I want to be able to give mercy where misunderstanding would otherwise swallow or destroy a relationship.

Recently, I realized that my relationship with Jesus was prone to all the disadvantages of my person to person relationships. It showed up in Matthew 14. The beginning of the chapter explains how and why John the Baptist was arrested and killed. I always got lost between the death of John and the feeding of the 5,000. Herod was a bad guy, but Jesus was a good guy and fed 5,000 with a powerful miracle people are still talking about. 

Between these two events, I missed Jesus. John the Baptist was His cousin. He was also the first prophet in 400 years for the Kingdom of God. Jesus was told about John. He, “withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by Himself.” John was a great loss to the Kingdom of God and to Him personally. He referred to it later. “But I tell you that Elijah has already come, and they did not recognize him, but did to him whatever they pleased. So also the Son of Man will certainly suffer at their hands.” Then the disciples understood that he was speaking to them of John the Baptist.” Matthew 17:12-13 ESV Jesus was also facing His future at the hands of those who would murder Him. He deserved and should have had some time to Himself. You can see the person and caring nature of Jesus in His response to the loss.

Jesus landed on shore only to find that the crowds had raced and beat Him there. He turned from His own need to heal and feed the 5,000. These were people, like me who loved Him for His miracles instead of for Himself. The feeding the 5,000 was the byproduct. The miracle was that Jesus, the King of Heaven, had such compassion and mercy that He left His own need for a little time of quiet for people who did not understand who He was/is or even care why He was doing what He did. They saw the miracle, but they probably missed Jesus as I have, between the death of John and the great visible miracle. 

I see that I have a lot left to learn about relationships and how to treat people. It is in moments like Matthew 14 in which there is a chance to see the personhood of Jesus the Son of God and realize that there is so much more beauty there than the miracles could ever show.

Quite frankly I’ve read the parable of the 10 talents in Matthew 25 and heard it preached more times than I can remember. I always respond to the reading or message with the desire or intent to strive to do great things. Striving never produces spiritual fruit in my life but human frustration. The more I strive, the more I realize my limitations in my own abilities. I don’t know about you, but that becomes a teeth grinder, which makes me want to avoid those verses. It produces a sense of helplessness in me. That changed today.

I have been aware, for sometime now, that my students, my friends, and some others have thought better of me than I felt I deserved. I’m sure that part of that is because they don’t see my insides as clearly or as emotionally as I do. I also realize that love covers a multitude of sins, and those who chose to love me overlook the shortcomings that I think are so obvious, while those who find me obnoxious or irritating may well see all my failings and add to the list according to their preference. 

Even so, loved or not loved, I am able to do more and have more to offer because of the Holy Spirit within me. Sharing in church, at men’s group, and having things suddenly to share when someone provides me with a need are all verifications of me having more than the talents I started with. Jesus has added to my natural ability with His supernatural ability and love for others, allowing me to join Him in His ministry. He strengthens me to love those I would naturally reject.

I am not trying to say I am not troubled or that I don’t come up short on the scale of good, better, best. I am saying that I often enter into a conversation with someone who is struggling and find words of encouragement flowing out of my mouth in such a way that I am encouraged as well. I find myself showing up at a time to help when someone needed it with both of us surprised by the timing. I find an understanding to scripture I haven’t had before just days before someone asks a question about that very thing. I have prayed for people and seen God do things I could only wish for.

I see this as my two talents being multiplied to four by the time Jesus calls on me for an accounting. My natural talents, whatever they are, to whatever strength they are, are multiplied and added to by all the ways Jesus adds to my life, changes my attitudes, improves caring nature in me, or helps me help others. Because He is with me, I am more than I am and able to do more than I can do without Him. He has added to  my talents the fruits of His Spirit. I see the fruits of His Spirit, His work in and through my life, as the added talents in this story. Because of Him, I am more than I am and do more than I can do, not my talents, but His added to mine through salvation and the work of His Holy Spirit.

That makes it all the more sad for the one talent person. All they have is their humanity and whatever they have done with it. They have relied only on themselves and do not have the fruits of the Spirit to bring to Jesus at the time of accounting. His testimony is only who he/she is, and not what God has done in and through them. This is an extremely sad life and an even sadder end. 

As Jesus and the kingdom of heaven are all that is good and truly desirable for life, health, and well-being of any sort, it is extremely sad to live without it and live without it increasing and producing fruit in our lives. 

I pray that all you who read this and all those whose lives you touch will find the joy of Jesus and the increase of the fruits of His Spirit in your lives.

Somehow I’ve always thought that I ought to turn my whole life over to acting. Were I able to control it, or adequately script it, I would only give to others what they want from me. I would be serious with those who only value seriousness and silly with those who want silliness. I could compartmentalize myself to a point of reducing stress from the conflicts that arise when things don’t neatly fit the situation at hand.

Consider my life as a store in which I, or one of my variations of self, work the front counter. Wouldn’t it be nice if the people who came in only got what they wanted and nothing more, nothing less. I have always wondered what that would be like. Even in a real business, I’m sure the owners wonder what that would look like. I think there are at least two different reasons (at least two for simplicity sake) that doesn’t happen.

Reason one is that I’m not always sure what variation of me will show up at the counter to serve. Silly, distracted, hurt, solid, introspective, extrovert, serious, philosophical, quizzical, or any of the other variations or combinations of variations may show up. The variations are likely to change at anytime, between customers or mid customer. The music for the musical chairs game which triggers the change of variations is playing in the background. The person or persons in charge of the music are often unknown and can be moved to change the music by any history, experience, mood, feeling, challenge, or like element, internal or external in nature. Basically I am describing randomized personality quirks by randomized triggers. Exhausting thought.

Reason two are that the customers may be facing the same randomization. They might be coming with complete purpose and not know how to deal with the randomized counter person. There is also the point that the customer doesn’t know what he/she wants or realizes that he/she doesn’t want what they got, even if they received exactly what they ordered. Go to any restaurant and you will meet all these customers and more. There are customers who are in show mode for those who accompany them, and the counter self is just the pawn for their convenience. The list can go on.

Maybe, by now, you are wondering how anyone gets along with anybody. The simple answer is grace. It is the same reason we, born of imperfect stock, can get along with heaven’s perfection. Jesus became the translator for us. He is the grace between us and the perfection we lack. He is the model for how to treat each other as we can’t possibly figure out who we are in any given moment or the person(s) we are dealing with in any given moment, at least not completely. 

So, the next time you come to my little store and order a burger, but get a loaf of bread, some lettuce, and ice cream sprinkles, know that I wanted you to get what you wanted. Somehow I wasn’t able to get there as I wanted to. Please give me grace. I’m still relying on Jesus to train the staff at the store.

Insecurity appears to be on the list of my being parts. It might be a personality part inside the rest of my personality. Who knows? It might just come with the standard humanity package of personality possibilities and parts. I do want to make a distinction. Some of insecurity is perfectly healthy. That part is tied to self preservation and the ability to protect yourself and others. That is not the part I’m referring to in this blog. I’m going to refer to the corrupted insecurity.

I’ve always joked about having as many personalities as I have hats (probably around 200). I’ll call this one Insy as a bite on insecurity. Insy is in training toward Confidence and Quiet Assurance in my life, but it can, and sometimes will, revert back to its most primitive self. Every actor needs to know his character so he can build understanding. Here are a few, not exclusive or completely definitive, of the traits recognizeable in Insy:

Whines like a small child when it doesn’t get its way.

Manipulates others for attention, even when getting it.

Doesn’t accept honest attention as real, only works harder to manipulate to get it.

Does not recognize the barriers it raises between self and others, particularly as they sense the manipulation and feel used like a paper towel wiping the mouth of the greedy, always hungry, Insy.

Flirts with Pity all the time.

Has an ongoing affair with Vanity.

Is self indulgent until caught. Then it runs for cover of its favorite lies and distractions.

Over embellishes appearance in an effort for acceptance and praise.

Is jealous and may tend to steal from those things, or those people, genuinely praiseworthy.

Insy is there for the praise, but not so much for the work and sacrifice.

Can be any of its traits from light to extreme amounts, depending on its need in any given moment. Is extremely flexible in changing its needs until stressed. At the point of being triggered or stressed, Insy can become consuming and tyrantical.

Hates itself for what it sees as the real self, constantly pushing to find false praise to help it hide from its true self-opinion. Fails to admit truth for the same reasons. It can tolerate self-hatred easier than hatred or disapproval from others.

Is unable to recognize that it reaps what it sews, which causes a continuing downward spiral.

May go into performance or attention-getting mode at times of perceived real need.

Is an escape artist. It can escape being bound, gagged, locked in a cage, and hid in the dungeon, only to show up like it was never gone when least wanted and expected. 

Can cause you to do embarrassing things that would make a professional clown blush. 

Like Superman, Insy is faster to arrive than a speeding bullet when the trigger is pulled. Triggers are not so hard to spot as they are difficult to break/destroy, as they have often birthed long standing habits, which take time and perserverance to eradicate. 

Worst of Insy’s traits is that it is the front man for the worst bully in its family, Fear.

This list could continue. The questions becomes “So what?” I see and know this character. I must go a step further. Here are some of the things I’m learning and recommend from my experience. Acknowledge Insy. Strip it of its power by making it public. Own it and realize that Insy has been pulling your strings and that you’ve played its puppet. Like all other sin, its greatest power is manifest while hiding in the dark.

Follow the advice Terra Jones gave me and be bold. You are going through the messy stages to get to the freedom. Force yourself to be open with those the Lord has provided as accountability partners and be bold. Bold is your new character, so you need to keep trying him out as often as you can to exercise yourself in the freedom you don’t know yet. 

Place yourself where you can hear sermons which challenge you to know Jesus in places you’ve kept hidden. Chris Jones is doing a sermon series on 1 Samual. His last sermon particularly hits this topic of insecurity and fear. You can listen to the sermons at https://www.chclakecity.org/media. The sermon I am referring to is 1 Samual Week 4.

Major — trust Jesus and walk in faith. It takes faith to recognize Insy and know that God has brought this to your attention to set you free. You can trust Him for the resources to get you free. Faith requires you to accept and stand where Jesus puts you. That means that you may be denied all the normal back pats you rely on to keep you going. Don’t go looking for the affirmations Jesus may hold back from you. This may be the perfect time where you learn to take your affirmations directly from Jesus. He has a reason to do what He is doing. He is the king, and what he is doing is for your good. Standing still to obey Jesus’s will is hard but necessary. Failure to do so cost Saul a kingdom – listen to the sermon and you’ll understand.

I don’t know where it is, but it seems to always be there. Like in a contract, it might be small as a pin hole or large enough to drive a tractor trailer through, but it is there. Well, I will say it is there in me because I can’t speak for the rest of humanity. I can only say that it seems to be in everyone else too. I am talking about the devil’s loophole, the advantage he has in all the life contracts on this fallen world – even, seemingly, among the faithful. It might be wired into our DNA. I don’t know.  So, what do I call the Devil’s loophole?

There is a place in me where logic and emotion meet. The seams around this connection don’t always fit tightly. This meeting place can be anywhere in my life, related to anything I experience or do or think or say. Here I offer a light example – the donut. I know I have to watch my weight. Too much sugar is bad for you. Moderation is always important—all said by my logic and maturity. Yet, I take the extra donut(s) despite my wisdom. I know that I’m working on my diet and exercise, so someone suggests we go out to eat, and I suggest a place that I secretly know will sabotage my self-control. The loophole is there. Sometimes it seems to be everywhere.

I can see the loophole more tragically exampled in people who are dynamic in so much of their lives, but have sunk to depravity sexually, financially or some other way. The enemy exercises this loophole when they are most vulnerable, and exposure can make their fall all the more dramatic and extreme. The newspaper and public media seem to be happy to chronicle their fall.

Loopholes grow because of “the secret.” The secret is the false belief that it can be hidden, God won’t notice, or worse, there is no God within whom justice is a character trait. The loophole infects all the touching tissue until it consumes all in its proximity. The otherwise healthy portion of a person is confined to a smaller and smaller area of life until the truth is exposed, the point of completing the destruction or beginning the healing and reclamation.

Our compassion is tested by seeing those whose lives have become public displays of destruction by something selfish, anything selfish, which grew out of proportion by the failure to see it, expose it, and deal with it. The larger it is, the more it destroys in the host and the host’s environment. The question isn’t whether or not I, or anyone, has a loophole operating in my life, but how soon I will discover it, expose it, and begin to let God rule over it.

I am a dry alcoholic. I’ve been dry for many years. God has given me a life, a career, a most wonderful wife, and fabulous children through His closing a loophole in my life and stopping the disease. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I saw and knew it was hurting those around me. It grew from the pinhole of a few drinks with a friend to the truck of blackouts and not knowing where I was or remembering who I was with. The injury I caused others didn’t bother me at all when I was drunk. It started small, but it didn’t stay that way. Even at my worse, I didn’t consider myself a bad person. Everything the loophole touched grew infected to accommodate the loophole, so it grew and grew. Excuses and lies kept the loophole company. Guilt became pity, requiring more alcohol according to a mind distorted by the growing sin infection.

I have seen other alcoholics never have the gap closed or the disease stopped until it took their lives completely. I grieve for them. I know God worked as hard for them as He did to rescue me. God doesn’t play favorites. He is the rescue artist and is always working to close loopholes, any loopholes, and heal every resulting disease. It doesn’t matter how small or large the loophole, God is willing and able.

I am able to enjoy my life because God provided all the support, personal help, and encouragement I needed. He taught me to hunt loopholes while they are small and let Him seal and heal them before they have time to destroy. He taught me to stay close to my Christian family for accountability and be there for others with the gift He gave me. Running to God is a blessing, not an embarrassment. I am continually astonished as I grow in knowing how generous Jesus is and how desirous He is to help.

I pray that each of you who read this will discover all the help Jesus has prepared for you and has surrounding you right now in your lives. You are not alone.

Growing up, I heard the phrase “It’s just a phase he’s going through.” That, freely interpreted, meant things like “I can’t stand what he is doing either.” Or, “He has tested his father’s and my patience to a point that we are uncertain whether or not to go to church this Sunday.” Or, “Why would anyone dive off the roof into the shallow end of the pool and expect to live?” There are many other examples, which I’m sure many of you can add.

I taught ninth grade for many years. It is time when students are neither child, nor adult, transition time that is truly rough on some parents and children. I’ve had parents come to conferences and ask where their child had gone and what was this “thing” that had replaced him or her. A couple years later they would inform that their child had returned to their body, but was now acting like they should be treated like an adult when they hadn’t made the jump into adult life yet. I spent a lot of time holding parents hands and encouraging them that “This is a phase they are going through.”  I spent time holding the teenagers hands explaining that it was just a phase their parents were going through. You would wonder that saying that about a “phase” to someone else didn’t make my tongue jump out of my head and run for cover.

I have often wondered how the Lord sees these things. Saul/Paul is out running down the Christians, and God says to the angels, “It’s just a phase he is going through.” Had He said it, it would be because Jesus knew what he was going to do, how long it would last, and what the change would mean to the rest of us who have read his love for Jesus in scripture. We don’t have the privilege of that complete knowledge. 

We don’t always have the outcome fully defined. For some diving off the roof is a horrible, even deadly, choice. For some of us, it was the thrill of seeing my mom come out the back door of the house and fall to the ground as I was on the way to the water. Her response was pretty terrifying. Mom’s can really get it done when they want. My mom was no exception. Needless to say it was the last time I visited the neighbor’s roof.

Typically, in whatever phase we or the people around us are in, we can’t see it clearly. I often can’t tell the beginning from the end because I’m in the middle of it. I have much better 20/20 hindsight for me and for others.

There is at least one goal that will work in any phase, at any age. If you want the outcome to be great, good, or far better than you deserve, hang on to Jesus. We know —“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESVhttp://bible.com/59/rom.8.28.esv. It is one of those guarantees which has proved true through the entirety of my life so far, so I’m game to keep on trusting Him and it. This guarantee has surpassed all the mistakes I’ve made, all the repentance and apologies I’ve had to make, and all the repentance and apologies I didn’t understand to make. It’s a pretty giant sized promise and a tremendous comfort. We are helped and not helpless.

So how do you introduce yourself and a new blog to strangers and friends? Hello, my name is Harry Joiner. Actually, you are simply meeting the current version of Harry Joiner. It is much improved over older versions due to the ongoing work of redemption, and probably is not the best version, which I expect is yet to come as redemption continues. I am a person in process, thanks to the salvation and ongoing faithfulness of Jesus the Christ.

I gave my life to Christ when I was 20. That is, as of this writing, 48 years ago. I would like to say that all my worst mistakes were before I came to Christ, but I would be misleading you. I’ve made some real doozies since then. I have a natural talent for making mistakes, but Jesus has the greater gift of turning the mistakes around and using my learning and growing for my and others’ benefit. I want this blog to be about how Jesus can work and love on anyone. I hope never to mislead my readers into thinking that I am more than just someone who needs Jesus and has the amazing miracle of being in a relationship with God who came to earth to rescue people like me.

I am a retired teacher. I taught English and can make writing mistakes, which would make you wonder. I am loud and outgoing, as I was genetically disposed to be an extravert. That also means that I get into things and places where wiser people would have avoided. It gives me plenty of opportunity for humility and growth. My writing is likely to span from serious to silly, from thoughtful and thought provoking to cartoon type humor and anything in between.

My hope is that you will always find the writing encouraging. Proverbs says a righteous man falls seven times, but gets up again. The part about getting up is the tender hand of a loving God who puts you back on your feet. That is my hope for this blog, that you would see that tender hand.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton