What is a Father?

“When I was fourteen my dad was so ignorant that I couldn’t stand to have him around, but when I turned twenty-one, I was astonished at what he learned in seven years,” is a common quote.

I was given many jobs and lessons as a child, which my parents told me were valuable. Many of those jobs were yard work and other duties in which I saw no purpose except them lightening their own work load. However, the adult me saw that those and many more things my parents did made perfect sense and truly built quality and discipline in me that I needed for a healthy life. The distance between the job/lesson and my seeing its value are directly proportional to the time it took me to mature.

I know a business owner who is so highly skilled in his craft that all his employees and he, himself, expect no mistakes on the job. He has proven excellence in action without having to tell it in words. One day he walked into one of his stores that was in a bad state of attitude and operation. He wanted to help but wasn’t sure how or what would work. He stepped in and made a mistake the lowest rookie on the job wouldn’t. The store came alive. All caught his mistake and spoke to it. Despite his personal embarrassment, the store was suddenly restored to good operation and attitude. The owner got a lesson and his prayer was answered simultaneously. That’s the way a dad works, in this instance, a heavenly Dad.

Confusion in Christian lives often comes when we believe we are the adult and are meant to understand things as they happen. We are the child. Many of the things God does in and through our lives are beyond our understanding in the moment. Our job, as a child, is to trust that He knows what’s best and what He’s doing because we know Him and His quality. Human dad’s often get more trust than they deserve and the Heavenly Father often gets much less than the total trust He deserves.

My dad was always out in the lead. At each stage of my life, junior high, high school, college, independence, marriage, children, and so much more, I began to say things he had been saying all along. I kept getting astonished at his wisdom. So it is as a Christian. I’m gaining pieces of insight, knowing that much more understanding is coming down the road. I am trying to learn to be a child without being childish to a Father who does not give up or fail.

This is one of my wife’s favorite Civil War heroism stories. It is a story all need to consider.

The Civil War was a horror in many ways, but none more terrible than injuries and medical care. The medical standards at the beginning of the war were primitive at best. Doctors were still bleeding patients as a treatment. They knew nothing of germs and little of surgery. The list of what they didn’t have could go on for a long time. They did have determination and spent the next four years birthing modern medicine. No story is more powerful than the nurses.

Women were a subjugated people at the time of the war. The Victorian morality was in full swing, especially in the South. It was common that a soldier had never been touched by any woman other than his mother, sister, or wife. Severe social rules were in effect regarding men and women, especially on the women. The social structure was completely male dominated, and society did not accept independent women who were not subservient.

Women followed their men to the war and came to hospitals to provide care. They were run off and not allowed at the beginning. They endured and pressed in until they were given light duties. The light duties gave way to more and more until women ran hospitals by the end of the war and created the woman dominated nursing career path. There are few or no monuments to this phenomenal feat of heroism. They overcame society, social structure, prejudice in every level, and their own inner wars to create something that still stands in honor among the traits of greatness of the best values.

So why discuss women’s heroism in a Christian blog? You can’t talk about the qualities of love, peace, joy, honor, justice, self control, and the like qualities without talking about God — even when His name or title isn’t mentioned. It is through these great qualities that we meet and see Him. These qualities don’t exist without some level of His presence. It is easy to get distracted and forget that God is at work everywhere, all the time, whether we see Him or not and whether we cooperate or not. His plan is a no fail, no surrender, always faithful plan of rescue that is at work in all levels of human experience. He embodies the best of the greatest values. We want Him around because we desire His qualities.

Diamonds are beautiful and valuable. They have many facets from the top, most seen, to the bottom, hidden in the setting. People are many faceted because they are complex creatures who are also beautiful and valuable. I can often tell which facet of my life people are seeing by how they react to me.

Number one, and hopefully most visible: Goodish. Goodish are things that are right most of the time. They are on the consistent side of being right, doing right, thinking right. This is when I’m on my best behavior and am the least harmful to others. These are areas in which Jesus has established His values over time, and He can be identified in my life.

Number two: Improving. These are things that are in the process of change toward number one. They have been identified as needing correction and work. These issues are in active process. They have not been completely mastered and are inconsistent.

Number three: Wrong –. These are things that are in line for change. They are occasionally accepted as needing change. They are not yet, with any regularity, working towards change. They are targeted but inconsistently chosen for the upgrade list.

Number four bad. These are characteristics that definitely need to change but are resistant or clueless to that. They are trouble known and unknown but habits ingrained to a point where change is not immediately on the horizon.

Number five: clueless: these are the great mass of unseen characteristics that have not risen close enough to the surface to be identified as good, bad, or indifferent. They may be causing all kinds of trouble, and I assume they are. However, they have not yet been identified or put on any list.

Even the “five” facets reflect through the other facets because they are a part of the whole. It is impossible to separate the best from the worst in a person. Each facet is a contributing part. Permanence is a value in the diamond. Change is the value in a human. We are processing from the pressure of life changing from coal to diamonds to diamonds prepared for settings and display.

We can’t choose all the pressures that work to change us, but we can choose one. Jesus can cause all other pressures to develop good outcomes. We can choose Jesus and have even the worst in our lives become useful. Jesus has turned so many who have been lost in drugs, alcohol and so many other horrors into people who rescue others from disaster. All facets of a person can be a number one in Jesus’s hands.

“I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry.” It is a basic tenant of life and primary function of relationships.. It takes two. One to see he has hurt, and the other has to choose to forgive or not. Apologizing is important for the offending person, even if the offended doesn’t forgive. We have a relationship with ourselves that requires truth and dignity. Recognizing our failing and owning up to it is important to the health of our inner self. Repentance and forgiveness are primary functions of faith because faith is a relationship with God as we understand Him.

I’ve learned that there can be a step beyond that. You can become so offended by your own mistake that you refuse to accept the forgiveness given by another. Even when the forgiving person warmly welcomes you back, you continue to punish yourself for your wrongdoing. This creates a sad isolation. I experienced this in my family. They forgave me, but I did not forgive myself. I did not accept full rights and privileges to the family. I treated myself like an outsider. The self-punishment even seemed honorable in a twisted way because they didn’t give the punishment I deserved by being generous.

I realized now that experience is like a parable about humanity and faith. My brother was the one who helped me forgive myself and re-enter the family without reservation. Jesus is the big brother that does that for us spiritually. We may somehow have intellectually realized that God has forgiven us when we ask Him. We may not realize that we continue to hold feelings against ourselves. It takes a big brother to help make the transition of forgiveness and acceptance possible because the brother proves it through his actions and his words.

One of the joyful and/or painful jobs of a Christian is to stand in for Jesus and be the physical example of forgiveness. “I will do as God in Christ has done for me. I will be the conduit that transitions outsiders back into the family,” is the plan. Sometimes that can be the toughest job on earth because we can hold on to hurt instead of Jesus like we hang on to the hurt within ourselves. We become the offender when we hold on to offense, unforgiveness.

We are living examples of relationships because we walk with the chief forgiver and can continually keep our relationship healthy. Repentance and forgiveness are daily processes of life, physically in this world and spiritually. Forgiveness is a life medicine.

We live in an extraordinarily dangerous world on all levels, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. We are so used to our own survival that we may not acknowledge how truly vulnerable we are. Age shows us that a casual misstep can be a fall with broken bones added. Yet we’ve seen double leg amputees live and thrive. We constantly face the mixed message of vulnerability and endurance.

We are amazing creatures with perception at every level of life. We can perceive the smallest breeze or change in temperature to picking up on the slightest inference in a vocal tone or word. Our perceptions are within our own body and without in all that surrounds us. Perceptions all require interpretation. What does our perception mean? How are we to respond? All levels can choose their own independent response from ignore to hight alert. We are amazingly complex.

I wonder if our survival hasn’t given us an instinct of simplification with a first response of safe or danger. Humans often turn things to their worst side by their automatic inclination to interpret things as a threat. I wonder if that isn’t survival imbedded in us. It turns all things into warnings but also as harbinger of doom through interpretation, habitual thinking.

I believe we are spiritual creatures with spiritual perception. Part of that spiritual perception is represented in the ease with which we turn things into omens and superstitions. All cultures are filled with these in story form, experience, and response. We know that evil is around us in our omens and superstitions. That is also an indirect way of proving faith. Omens and superstitions turn us to fear and our own inability to completely protect ourselves. It also proves that God is and hope is because evil could not be discerned if there were no opposite to it.

This Halloween might be a good time to get in touch with our fears and decide those are the locations we prefer God to inhabit in our lives. There is always the fun of a ghost story well told, but real fear devours our ability to live free and function. “Perfect love casts out fear,” according to a guy named John. I believe that people who pursue the true love that casts out fear will find Jesus. He is alive and available.

I was very destructive as a child and young man. My father had to remove me from the will and the family to protect the others from my destructiveness. It was painful, but a great gift of personal accountability, a gift that drove me into faith and personal growth. Jesus put me in the presence of resources and counselors to teach me how to face the truth, to overcome failings, especially self pity, and to learn the disciplines of personal growth.

The rest of the family suffered during the destructive years. My brother, Jim, has probably had the best view of my worst and the change worked through the intervention of Jesus. What he didn’t know was how important he is and was to the process. Dad talked Jim into keeping an open mind toward me when Jim had come to the end of his patience. He chose the open mind despite his hurt.

My relationship with the family grew warm and was healed. They were faster to accept my change than I was. I was accepted with all rights and benefits. I still felt feel like the child with his face pressed against the window, wanting to come inside. What I’d done and what I’d been was a stumbling block. Jim was the one who opened the door.

My parents both died. I realized that I was still holding back because of what I’d been and what I’d done. Jim was the one who pointed out that I had changed and become what my family wanted all along. He took me through the last steps of restoration and helped me finish a major section. of the Lord’s work in my life.

I am a Christian witness because I’ve seen how hard God works to heal and restore through my personal experience. I see how much I fought against change and still resist it, even knowing that the change is right and for the best. I have personally tested and experienced the motives, values, and priorities of God being applied to my life. My brother and I can both see what a difference it has made in me. I can see that I have so much further to go, but have the hope that Jesus won’t give up just because I have so much more to overcome. My experience has trained me in hope, hope I can offer to others, encouragement given to be shared. I truly appreciate all the teachers and examples the Lord has put in my life.

Sometimes I warn people I talk to that I’m a Christian and see things from that perspective. It is sad that has become a way to detox a conversation before it starts. It is my perspective and doesn’t have to be theirs. I am not a dictator. I tend to disagree with the primary way I’ve personally experienced one-on-one evangelism.

I remember walking down the street in Lincolnton, North Carolina and running into a man who was handing out Bible tracts. He asked me if I was saved. I said I was. He offered a tract. I said I didn’t need it. He quizzed me about how I was saved. I said the usual way. He asked me to come to his church. I said I was happy in the church I attended, and he continued to push me to attend his church. He said a lot in that dialogue, most of which I didn’t like.

He started with a saved question that requires a stranger to understand religious concepts and terminology, which is unfair. Jesus spoke to us in our language without requiring us to understand His background and church vision. The witness didn’t believe me when I said I was saved and didn’t believe my church was adequate. He did not respect or accept anything beyond his understanding and experience. He felt the need to be in control.

Being in control is not the same as loving someone. Being in control means a person has to be able to determine and judge the outcome to measure success. Loving takes no control of the outcome. It cares for the person as they are and respects their choice and perspective, even when disagreeing.

Jesus had a complete revelation of the beauty of God and communicated that beauty in the language with examples completely appropriate to the listener. English teachers say the same. Know your audience. Communicate in language they can understand. Be respectful of your audience. We make communication about us when it is really about the relationship we have with others. Caring should show throughout the communication process.

The truth is that we, as Christians, can be as immature and thoughtless as anyone else, even when we are doing our best in our faith. It is easy to forget that witnessing is about the beauty and wonder of God, not about our religion and personal process of growth. We are children of growth in His kingdom, not finished products to take charge of others. We are caretakers, not controllers. We are sent to love on those He already loves and share His beauty with those for whom He cares.

I am fascinated with individual perspective as I have it and as I see it manifested in others. It is odd that we, who are in the picture, often think we can see ourselves as well, if not better, than the camera person. I think my friends can often see me better than I can because they are not fettered with the need I have to see myself in a good light. I can somehow justify anger based on the person or event which triggered the anger instead of the brokenness in me which was the real cause of the anger.

My wife had a gift of calling on me right when I was going to sit and rest. I decided I was going to let her know that her talent was upsetting when I realized that it wasn’t her at all. It was revealed that she had no idea when I was going to sit. Her call was coordinated to test how loving I was and how willing I was to put others first. It was a real heart check, which I failed at the time. I’m still in a learning mode.

Babies provide revelation. Children under two have no problem with a diaper change. They have no issue, discomfort, or embarrassment with having someone else take off the old, clean the mess, and put on the new. They immediately go back to playing without a backward glance. They have yet to learn the shame and embarrassment that comes with training to live in this world. We call every mess a mistake, a faulty label. There are no mistakes for the growth oriented because all are training events in the process of going forward. We are victimized and unintentionally victimize others as though we were all born without the need for diapers and diaper changes, as though we could do all things perfectly the first time — a truly painful perspective.

Each of us is on a different growth timeline. We grow at different speeds and in different ways. It is easy to forget that the immature are now standing in their timeline where we have stood. Impatience is born and expressed when one person cannot respect another’s place on his/her timeline. It is amazing that the Lord deals wonderfully and uniquely with each of us as we are each in our own learning and growing timeline. He does not move to embarrass or shame us, but to move us forward toward a healthier and happier future with Him. I want to be more like that. I’m trusting that becoming more like that is on my growth timeline. I also wouldn’t mind a little less guilt and embarrassment when I make a mistake/mess. I’m sure that’s on my timeline too.

The sorting hat in Harry Potter is an interesting image. The hat sees into the person and determines where they will fit best in the school. I’ve watched coin machines work through bags of coins, putting each coin in its proper place and thought it would be convenient if we humans could do something like that, easier than all the trial and error we normally go through. Hardship or tragedy sometimes operate like a sorting hat because it reveals the true qualities of a person to themselves and to those around them.

Tragedy can clear away so much confusion. It can cause people to sort between their true and supposed priorities and grasp hold of the ones that are near and dear to their hearts. It can show the true character of a person beyond all the pretenses and affectations. It can prove some people and establish that what they say is what they mean and do. It can also show when they play fast and loose with the truth, pushing appearance over reality.

We all need friends to walk with us, regardless of what the sorting of hardship shows about us. We need friends when we are true blue. We need friends even more when we find we are extremely slack in our values and maturity. I don’t believe any of us would survive to find maturity without the sacrifice of those who have to endure us when we aren’t. It is important to realize the sacrifice of those who care for us and to express it to them.

Our hardships also sort those around us and show us who loves us beyond convenience and self benefit. Their generosity is not only our greatest joy, but a proof of God. Jesus is that Devine point of best and worst. Man was at his worst, attempting to kill God for interfering with our control. Jesus gave Himself as the liaison between perfect love and perfect selfishness. He is proof.

Love is a big and common word in our world. I think it is often used when a synonym would be more appropriate or even a descriptive phrase. I love you could really mean like, attracted, lust, desire, admire, respect or other like terms. My mind is set on the definition of love that does not have any “give to get” in it. I feel that true love is a giver without thought of receiving. It is sacrificial in nature. The love chapter in the Bible is beautiful if you are on the receiving end and expensive if you are on the giving end. It gives without taking or requiring. It costs your life.

I’ll use the name Barney because I don’t and haven’t had any friends named Barney. Barney was a high school chum and one of the most inconvenient people I’ve ever known. He came to my house in elementary school to spend the night. We stole cigarettes. We poked holes in my window screen upstairs so we could poke out the cigarettes if someone came, and they did. Dad came stampeding upstairs, threw open the door, flipped on the light, and saw the cloud of smoke in the room. Then he saw the holes in the screen and ran yelling downstairs. My window was right over the fuel oil tank that was walled in with the ground under it thick with dry leaves. Dad got the fire out until he returned to us. Then, he was in flames. My friendship with Barney was like that until he died some years ago. I loved him like a brother without any reason I can define.

Marriage is like that. There is a lot of “I get” in marriage. Some of the “I get” comes at my wife’s expense without her getting any dividends in return. She loves as a gift with no payment required. I am grateful and grateful for her example. I want to be like her and others like her who are beautiful in giving. They are examples of Jesus. Jesus has given without our ability to repay in any way at all. There is no way to earn His love or pay Him back.

Here is the irony. Jesus’s expectation or request is that we accept Him and His gift so we can receive more. Accepting His gift is like my receiving my wife’s. It produces change in me. The generosity makes me desire to be better and do better because I can see and experience the true value of the gift. Relationship with Jesus is the gift that keeps on receiving and models a life that keeps on giving.