I am fighting being overwhelmed. I need to write and publish blogs and fulfill other commitments I have made. I find distraction after distraction to keep me from doing those things. I have tons to do around the house which would be fun and productive and give me satisfaction. Yet, every day goes by, and these things aren’t getting done. Frustration increases.

Frustration leads to overeating and irritability. Irritability leads to unloving interactions between myself and others. The spiral goes down from there. Blame sets in for everything. Shame and discouragement become evident. Everything becomes too much, even fixing something simple to eat. Shutting down becomes a stronger impulse, as is finding non-productive things to do instead of fulfilling my desired responsibilities.

The simple answer – just do it. The direct simple approach is just to step out and do one thing, allowing that to lead to the next and the next until some improvement becomes visible. It is not necessary to go any deeper in the pit or to go all the way into the bottom of the pit, to the point of strangulation on self defeat, before allowing the Lord to say, “Just do it,” and hearing it. He doesn’t just say, “Just do it.” He also says, “I will walk and do it with you.”

.Jeremiah said in one of his prophecies, “Thus says the Lord: “What wrong did your fathers find in me that they went far from me, and went after worthlessness, and became worthless?” Jeremiah 2:5 ESV. I find this verse startlingly real for me today. Putting eyes directly on the Lord will void the distractions.

I also find the verses by Paul so true, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” Romans 7:15-19 ESV.

I turn to seek the Lord in this moment as I have in times past when this system of operating has shown up. I spoke with a brother in Christ recently about our friendship. I do not avoid him when I fail or fall short. I will celebrate any victory, no matter how small with him. I am unembarrassed when I’m around him, even though my shortcomings are evident to him and to me. I am always glad when he is around and feel encouraged to take on anything.

During the conversation, I began to realize that Jesus is more precious than this brother, and I have not been treating Him that way. Jesus loves me far better than my brother, and I am less trusting. He is far more knowledgeable about my shortcomings, yet I am far more self-conscious, despite the fact that He has covered all my failings with His own life. My conversation with the brother uncovered the fact that I am giving Jesus, who deserves more, less than I give my brother in the Lord.

The conversation has become a drawing call. Jesus offers more than I know and has to continually reveal to me that He wants me closer and safer. He teaches me my mistakes, even giving me examples in my own life, so that I can be free of them and live in the joy He provides. Jesus showed me in my own life that I am able to have a relationship like He wants. He just wants me to have it with Him without cutting my brother out.

I am not likely to become perfect this side of heaven. Actually, I know I won’t. However, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24 ESV. Today, every day, I have help getting past my human boondoggles. I am not alone. I have a friend in Jesus.

*** A man in our church an a strong image of standing in a fog so thick that he was unable to see beyond a foot in distance. Yet, in this fog, the face of the Lord was plain and clear. There is no darkness or confusion that the Lord can’t pierce.
* We humans have built a trash ring around the earth of discarded missiles and other tech waste while reaching out to the stars. We also seem to build a ring of trash around our minds and hearts, which we put between ourselves and God as we look up toward Him.
*** A builder explained about many buildings he has built. He built them for expansion. He put structure in place in which a wall or piece of wall could be easily removed and the next part of the building added. A single home could easily become a duplex, and a church auditorium could easily expand to offices and classes. The buildings looked and were finished, but not really. He saw them as a work in progress. We are created to be expanded, to continue to be a work in progress, to add-on as need and growth demands.
*** During church prayer time, the praying persons expressed the love they have for the church. Because the people of God have opened their hearts to Him, He inhabits His people, making the atmosphere one of His presence. Even when talking casually, the Lord infuses His loving presence into the relationships among individuals, making them take on the effect of encouragement and healing. The love they expressed was a natural response to the presence of the Lord in those around them.
*** Walking within my thought life, learning and hearing from the Lord, is like walking onto a job site. There are so many possibilities, things to do, things to consider, ways to spend time, productive and unproductive. Now I spend my time wondering what to do with the inner job site and how to use it. People are like the Tardis on Dr. Who. They are bigger inside than outside.
*** I mowed a church lawn for about three years with a push mower and felt I was well for doing a service project. I realized that mowing doesn’t count for anything, no bonus or quality points, no cover your failings advantage with God or anyone else. Only the things we do with the Lord count. Therefore, fantasy football or any other activity can become an active opportunity for God to work in and/or through us because He is there and involved in who we truly are as individuals. It is all about the relationship. That’s what counts. Don’t exclude the Lord from anything you do, ever.
*** We see a construction site as being an extremely raw and messy place. Left over pieces of board and concrete lie around. There are props to walls and other structures not yet established in place. Saw horses and other work implements are out. Tools are available and sometimes scattered. Raw materials are stacked and slowly being worked into the build. There are truck tracks and ruts instead of landscaping. Yet, in time, the build finished and landscaping done, it will be a sight of delight. How are we different in God’s process of taking us from a plan to completion?
*** Dorian was built into a terrific storm from a small start over the ocean. It grew to devastating size, landing and destroying the Bahama’s and missing other areas all together. The storms in our lives are often birthed in a back memory, experience, and/or desire. It can build into a powerful force, destroying some areas of our lives and skipping over others. It is a call to prayer and action.

I know that many people in the church struggle. They have been told all their lives that the Holy Spirit dwells in them and they have gifts. Yet there are so many inactive in the church who would love to be active but don’t know their gifts. It is so easy to identify the musicians, the preachers, the testifiers, the prayer people. So what happens to you if you feel like your relationship with the Lord is important to you, but you don’t see those gifts in you?

One of the places I start is where I find my heroes by identifying those who meet my needs. I need people to listen to me, comfort me, correct or push me in the right direction, encourage me, remind me who I am in the Lord, keep to my commitments, walk with me during good and bad times, and so many other relationship connections. This is the base level area where the Holy Spirit flows, uses you, uses others for you, and confirms His life in you. We all need it, and we all need to give it.

This base line is often where we begin to identify our other gifts and begin to grow in the encouragement that God is using us. We find ourselves in Devine appointments in which we run across someone right at the time they really need a friend or a God connection, and there you are. Step in to it. You are God’s ambassador to give and receive love. You might be surprised, as I have been, that hurting people need to share love as they need to receive love and help. God is amazing in those moments. You will find yourself encouraged by encouraging others and find yourself loved by the person you are loving. God works in every direction to benefit His people.

Get involved with things you like and/or people you like. Your talent and identifiable gifts aren’t necessary. I started volunteering at the museum through a friend, Jeanie, a fellow teacher, who gets me into all kinds of things. We joke about it, but I’m profoundly grateful. I volunteered at the museum to give my drama students a place to perform and because I like history (no talent in that area and very self serving). Before long I became involved in the museum as my interest grew, still acting as a liaison for the students. I ended up stepping in to roles and jobs that I wasn’t qualified to perform, but no one qualified was available. I’m learning to be qualified as I serve.

I believe the museum is important to the health and well being of the community and fulfills my faith goals of serving the community in a health giving way in addition to it being a (growing) stronger interest for me. I am also growing in being less self serving and more servant minded. It is a process of growth. Sometimes I think we Americans have the weird notion that we start at excellent and get better from there.

The museum, and my service there, puts me in contact with other people and organizations. It provides me with a way to learn and expand, discovering unknown gifts along the way and polishing the ones which have already bubbled up to the surface. My example of the museum works in the church and any other interest area you may have. Many gifts bubble to the surface when you are put in a position where you have to dig through, what you might think is, junk drawers in your internal mental/emotional/talent house to find the one little thing you remember being somewhere. Sometimes you will simply begin to find or develop a talent you never realized was in you.

Scripture often tells us that by giving we receive. I believe it is that way with finding our gifts. You give away what you have, and you give away what others need. In the process you discover the living Jesus in you, ready to amplify your efforts to accomplish His goals of loving and rescuing the world. It is no surprise that He used the story of the mustard seed as an example. We often feel that we have nothing, or so little that it isn’t worth considering (the mustard seed). We later become amazed when the Lord turns that “nothing” into something.

When I was young, foolish, and destructive, the Lord sent many people to push me in the right direction and keep me alive until the change God planned for me could happen. Most of them were not around to see God change my life. However, they became my instant heroes when I got saved. I wanted, and still want, to be like them. Just like the scripture that talks about the little foxes spoiling the vine, it is all the little things God is doing along the way, which turn in to the giant miracles we all talk about.

We see the actors on stage or in the movies and think it is all about them. Check out the credits. It is amazing to see how many people, how many talents – large and small, it takes to give those actors their fame and moment in the spotlight. Each of those persons have powerful gifts that are critical to the success of the venture, even if they are not acclaimed or noticed by the crowd.

Sometimes the best gift to have is to be the light or camera person who helps another to see their gift or value. God is that way. He is continually spotlighting our value to Him and His desire for our relationship with Him. He steps back to put us on stage so we can see how important we are to Him. It is our hands and heart that He uses as His body to accomplish His goals. You are more gifted that you can imagine. It is okay to trip and fall along the path of discovery. Don’t fail to walk the path of discovery. God wants you, and the rest of us need you.

I recently re-watched the first John Wick movie. It is a movie about a retired assassin who is brought back into unrestrained killing because of a simple act of a thoughtless person who killed his dog. The unconscionable act put an insurmountable force into action, causing death: a personal comparison based on the movie, John Wick #1

Sinners don’t consider their sins as important because they feel good, satisfy some selfish desire, or simply do not seem that big a deal, like killing a dog in the movie or insulting/degrading another person we esteem lightly in our normal world: gossip, criticism, verbal cruelty, blaming, etc. I don’t think I have enough time or courage to list my unloving thoughts, ideas, and/or actions. I have a bad case of humanity, which I’ve had since birth.

Yet, those seemingly inconsequential acts set in motion the violence between the kingdom of earth and the kingdom of heaven. Heavenly laws have been put in place throughout all of creation. Broken laws put the law’s punishment/outcome into operation. The laws and resulting outcomes are the insurmountable forces built into all of creation. They will not be denied. Punishment is already assigned. It is just a matter of time until the sinner (the dog killer) meets the full force of the law, the juggernaut John Wick. It is all in motion since the beginning of time.

Our interactions with life and others, choices, place us where we are. Our nature, broken as it is, breaks the law, no matter how unimportant it may seem to us. Our opinion of importance or value is broken because of human selfishness, which is the largest breach of the law possible (Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” Proverbs 18:1 ESV). Until we learn to love, we will break the law written by the God of love who created all things. The law points to our brokenness and warns of the punishment which stalks us as it works to fulfill all the law of creation until all things are settled and finished.

Punishment must be fulfilled. It is the only way to quench the fire started by the broken law. It is the balance of creation. God doesn’t have to be a punisher. If we jump off the cliff, the rocks are waiting at the bottom – our choice, our outcome. God is in fact the rescuer, constantly trying to talk us out of our bad choices and working to keep us from creating inevitable outcomes. Reading scripture proves that God has given chance after chance and way after way for humanity to learn the cause and effect of decisions, and He has given so many chances for humanity to recover from the lawlessness it chooses.

God went the ultimate distance for us, allowing his perfect Son to fulfill all punishment for all creation. This leaves us in a perfect place to make one choice which will turn away the punishment, which is due, death. John Wick can be stopped despite the movie’s contention.

The movie makes it hard to believe that anything could stop death/John Wick from coming. Life can be just as convincing. However, we do have an alternative. At the end, the dog killer screamed, just before he died, “It was just a dog.” No repentance. No regret for his decision. We can repent. It is an alternative. A change of heart for the harm of the bad decision(s) is/are absolutely possible. It is the choice that Jesus was right in what He said and did, paired to the willingness to allow Jesus to be God of life instead of the self.

I spent so much of my life running from Jesus, which resulted in increasing sorrows. Now I am learning to run to Him. I am constantly surprised that life is so much easier and better when I face issues, let Jesus guide me through them instead of taking the solutions on myself. Avoiding Jesus provides fertile soil for the sorrows to grow in size. Taking the easy way our really means facing the issue and coming to Jesus. The hard way is the way around, the way which avoids accountability to Jesus. I have cause more suffering to myself than Jesus would have ever allowed if I had only put myself in His care.

“But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8: 10-17 ESV

Recently my wife and I traveled to Cocoa Beach for a four day, three night vacation. The hotel bill was paid for by the company who wanted us to come see their timeshare program. Exciting sun and fun. I should have seen the shark fin cutting the surface of the water regarding the Timeshare meeting.

I’m sure timeshare is good for someone because so many people buy them, and some people even have multiple timeshares. The timeshare program doesn’t work for me. The first hour and a half was interesting, touring the resort, learning about the company, and all the places we could visit. Beyond that, it was an uphill struggle.

The agent absolutely declared that they were not hard sell, as they led me, many times, right around my “no” to return to their pitch. They weren’t hard sell, but they didn’t understand “no” with an explanation, “no” with an affirmation, “no” with incredulity that we were saying it again, and many other forms of “no” until I demanded to see the manager. Then I was only required to say “no” emphatically, with dramatization and clear facial expression, to the manager and the next person who was supposed to arrange for our hotel credit. All my self image of being courteous was completely exhausted, and I was facing my raw, most irritable self.

We headed out to get some lunch. We had been at the timeshare place for three hours. I was hungry and frustrated. Tona saw a restaurant on an app that looked good. I chanced upon the same one. The confirmation clinched it. We were off to Southern Charm in Cocoa Beach. It truly lived up to its name. The owner welcomed everyone as though he had personally invited them into his home. The food was fabulous.

A woman in the next table overheard some of our comments and started a conversation. She was a Christian with a beautiful relationship with Christ. Tona and I joined her and spent the next hour or two in fellowship. By the time we finished talking, we could have walked on water because we felt so light and cheered up. We found out that she was down because she was facing health issues. Only the Lord would put two frustrated, struggling people together for them to cheer each other up.

We found out that she was riding the bus and hadn’t planned to stop at Southern Charm. She pulled the bus stop wire without thinking. Our meeting had been choreographed. We also found out that her grandfather had my birthday, and her grandmother had Tona’s birthday (same birthdays, but not the same age). There were other of those “divine coincidences,” convincing that Jesus was working on our attitude and outlook. Our outlooks and perspectives had been completely transformed.

Faith is an eye opener. It allows us to see that we have a loving Father who is always at work for us and our healing, in the foreground, or behind the scenes. Sometimes He just makes a point of letting us see it so that we don’t forget when we don’t see it. Jesus models what faithfulness and loving kindness really looks like.

When you don’t understand God–hold on!

Growing up was extraordinarily difficult. I had to do all that crazy learning, from how to speak to how to play with others to how to behave in public and so much more. I was full of mistakes and seemed to be doing my best at making the entire process as difficult as possible. I provided my parents with many stories, continually.

My parents kept telling me things that did not make sense at all. They weren’t bothered by my lack of understanding. They knew that if I just obeyed, things would work out better for me, and eventually it would make sense. I was not gifted in obedience. I was much better at disobedience. Disobedience came so much more naturally. The day came that I became an adult. Many of the things that they had said began to make sense, like bills, and so many other practical things that determine the way you made decisions, survive, and live life. They had an extremely bad habit of being right. Age brought me revelation.

I got married, and we began the process of our raising our own children. A lot more of the things my parents said to me made sense. I was the man in the middle. I could see my own past, being a child. I was a parent raising a child and could see from a parent’s point of view. I could also see my parents out in front still learning things that I would not understand until I got there. I realized that I had placed my parents on a pedestal as though they knew everything because I knew so little as a child. I could see that they were making it up as they went along, just as I was while parenting. Life is much more complex and amazing than I could have guessed or imagined. My parents weren’t perfect, but they were right about so much.

How much more is this like growing in a relationship with Jesus? He knows so much more than we do. He is so far ahead of where we are. Why should I assume that I will understand Him and what He wants and what He is doing and why He is doing it. He actually does know everything and is not hampered by the failures of humanity so common to me. When I don’t understand and just obey (as my parents expected/wished), life really does go so much better. To top it off, eventually understanding, or at least parts of it, does come. The understanding is the growing knowledge of the how and why what Jesus says works and works every time.

I can learn from experience of growing as a child and growing as a parent to work with my Heavenly Father better with more determined faithfulness than I did for my parents. I have golden opportunities before me every day to take as many of those opportunities as I can.

God’s wisdom and the wisdom He shares in scripture are so different from the world’s wisdom. The wisdom of giving versus taking, obedience to Him versus self-serving, giving to others instead of grabbing for one’s self, serving versus taking power over others, and so many other contrasts may not make sense at first. I may not understand, but I have the promise that someday I will. I can already see more than I did as a beginning Christian, enough to assure me that God is more than worthy of complete and total trust, even and especially when I don’t understand. My parents earned my trust, Jesus so much more so.

Peter didn’t understand what God was doing with the vision he had at Joppa. He was convinced God was telling him to do something against the very faith he was serving. Eventually, he realized that God was talking about people and that no race was better than any other. Even then, it took a while for Peter to understand completely. He had some ongoing problems. Paul had to bring it clear to him when Peter was showing preference to the Jews. Peter’s obedience when he didn’t understand was one of the main reasons that the door to salvation was opened to the rest of the world. Jesus has a better plan than our limitations can understand. We will always be children in His presence. He will always be the Good Father providing for us and leading us, even when we don’t understand.

**“And there came a voice to him: “Rise, Peter; kill and eat.” But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is common or unclean.” And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.” This happened three times, and the thing was taken up at once to heaven.” ‭‭Acts‬ ‭10:13-16‬ ‭ESV‬‬ https://www.bible.com/bible/59/act.10.13-16.esv

Sunday was amazing. Greg said “Listen to the Holy Spirit and release your faith to share,” during the prayer time before church. He even gave extra opportunity to wait on those who were debating on whether or not to share. Chris, our pastor, followed with a sermon about how we were vessels for the Lord’s use. We should strive to be vessels of honor, even cleansing ourselves from any dishonor so that we can be so. 

Following service, a group of us prayed for a precious friend and church member. She is suffering with cancer.

I wondered, as we stood around the room, how many of us were fighting with our own belief. All of us had experienced God’s presence, healing, and restoration. Yet, unbelief clings like the smell of a fire you’ve been around. How do you rid yourself from that smokey smell? How do you stand in the calm assurance of what you know to be true when doubt seems irresistable. Doubt is the candy you know not to eat; yet, your mouth waters for it in an unconscious response. The nagging humanity pulls against the truth you know.

There I stood in the argument between the known truth and the unnaturally appealing lie. Standing as still as a soldier, I was waiting for the command to go forward into the battle and the threat of harm or death. The moments intensified because I decided that I wanted faith. The wave and smell of the battle came closer and felt bigger and bigger. 

My decision made. I might fail. I don’t have much confidence in me. I expected the bullet and the fall. I decided I would not shrink back. I was having a hard time getting my spiritual legs to work, but I intended to shake off the anxiety. This is about the Lord, not about me. Jesus has won these kinds of battles with many who were as fearful and awkward as I am. He has used the fearful to overcome the brave and powerful, the Israelites to defeat the overwhelmingly powerful Egyptians. He is God, and He heals.

Why would or am I concerned with saying the right prayer? The prayer of faith? Since Jesus does the work, anyone can pray, large or small, young or old, of great faith or beginning faith – anyone. Jesus even use unbelievers to accomplish the determined work of God. 

I saw one of the doubts more clearly. I was struggling with who am I instead of standing reassured in the who Jesus is. I was distracted by what others might think of me and, even, what I thought of me. I was afraid I would be hit by the killing bullet of dismay if I failed and then would turn on myself with anger and disappointment. I saw that my eyes had clearly moved away from the Lord and His patient. I had distanced myself to the desert, away from His lush gardens of hope.

I heard His call as a sweet sound, whispering a moment of intimacy in my moment of harsh isolation. “Come join me in what I am doing. I love this person. I’ve put these people here, and you, to join me in the things I plan to do for her. She is mine. Join me.” And the desert disappeared from my heart. 

The decision I made stood. I spoke in the confidence of His promise, His presence, His plan because it was more and better and more reliable than I could ever do for my friend. He is absolutely trustworthy. He had brought all of us into that prayer room because He was working on all of us. He was awakening new faith, stronger expectation. He was putting us in the battle against doubt and self so we could see Him and be glad, see Him and have hope, see Him and believe, see Him and know that He was accomplishing His work.

I was concerned with praying for my friend and seeing her healed. I was overly concerned with my own doubts and fears.

I was in a room where Jesus was healing and revealing Himself to all of us. His love and compassion is beyond comprehension. He heals the healers He calls to pray for the soul He is healing, while moving to increase healing in the congregation He is healing, all while bringing us into a closer relationship and intimacy with Him. I saw that He was silently growing my faith, which was temporarily hidden behind the doubts I was facing. Saying that Jesus is love sounds increasingly hollow after just a peek at what it really looks like in action.

Childhood is amazing. It is the begining of all things. It runs the gamut of original thoughts and experiences from realizing that those funny fingers waving in front of your face belong to your hands, attached to your arms, attached to your body and are a part of you – to the rambunctious things you should never do and hope to survive.

Learning means asking questions like “why” so repeatedly that parents can’t think of a response, and frustration becomes a possible alternative. 

Beginning wisdom means challenging right authority and discovering what it means to be wrong in large and little ways. “Mom, you don’t love me because you won’t give me my Halloween candy before dinner.” “You are so mean making me go to bed before ‘Night of the Tarantula’ comes on.” “No! I don’t want to take out the garbage!” And other like opportunities to test the difference between right and wrong. My personal list would be too long for a book, much less a blog.

Beginning survival lessons make you wonder how boys live long enough to become men. Some of us dove off the roof of a neighbor’s house into the shallow end of the pool until mom caught us. She had the most amazing gestures and sounds when she looked up and saw me leaving the roof. Boys build forts in the woods. My friends and I took turns climbing to the top of a tree and having it cut so we could ride it to the ground as we gathered the materials for our fortress. Stitches and bruises (and occasionally more) seemed to be a normal part of life.

Beginning relationships was arduous. Girls started out being soft boys to having cooties to being so pretty that you couldn’t open your mouth and say anything that didn’t sound stupid. Friendship with boys also traveled from physical play to verbal play as rough-housing changed with time. Relationships with parents traveled through many stages, as did relationships with other adults. They began by giving constantly and meeting demands. I had the “gimme” gene. Then there was authority and reprisals, lessons applied for not recognizing it. They had lots of information to transmit. My responses  went from “Don’t bother me” to “Why do I need to know that” to “Okay, I might listen” to “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

It is amazing how much I thought I knew at each stage of being a child, even though I was unformed in all directions I was moving. I was physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and all other ways immature. I came to an age of being a father with my own children and was able to see my past immaturity as I saw my own children struggle with the same tumble into life and understanding. I, of course, observed this in reflection as a mature adult. Ha! Wrong! I often thought I would like a do-over to override or to not do the many, many silly mistakes. Now I have my second childhood.

I have come to recognize that salvation is that do-over/second childhood. Through Christ I have entered life a second time. I have entered into a new/different world. There are similarities, but also so many differences. I know those fingers and body are mine, but they are for a purpose and a plan, not just to find food and get it to my face. Learning systems have changed as the living Jesus is the personal trainer, using His Word and His revelation to retrain values, relationships, priorities, actions, authority, and all the functions of real life versus the shabby form of life I was living in. 

Every day is the day that I get my do-over. My parents were Christians, as were so many of their friends. They did their best to prepare me for the day of salvation. They read me the Bible and shared the truth within it. They modeled what they had learned and tried their best to help me build a heavenly life style. I entered salvation and became aware of all that they had given me and tried to do for me. I am profoundly grateful.

However, to Jesus, I am younger than I was to my parents when I was born. I have found that immaturity knows no age limit. I am as messy now, if not more so, than I was as a baby. Now I am learning not to be ashamed or embarrased by that. I have a family of Christians to grow up with. I have a living Lord who is not offended by mistakes but is ever present to teach and grow me.

Now, being willing and ready to learn is the most wonderful trait because I’m always being given an opportunity. I am learning to love this do-over or second-childhood, knowing that it is a joy to be in this position and place instead of always wanting to be somewhere else, someone else, or older with more privileges (forgetting the responsibilities which come with privileges). This is the childhood I always wanted and didn’t know it.

Life wasn’t easy before, not now, when life is hard, there are layers of joy and hope that weren’t available before. This is the life for me.

This morning was my turn to lead at the men’s group, which gathers at Panera’s on Wednesday mornings at 6 AM. I want to share the ideas stirring in me because they are encouraging me to focus on what is most important in my life. The focus began to grow out of a comparison between Joshua going to enter the promised land and Jesus speaking to His disciples immediately following the resurrection.

God had been training the Israelites from their beginning to be His children. He rescued them from a great famine and sent them to Egypt. He rescued them from Egypt by conquering all the Egyptian gods and proving that He was God above all gods. He took them into the wilderness to train the slavery out of them and put Kingdom values into them. (I realize that I am traveling in extreme summary.)

The Israelites often struggled throughout the process as a small child suffers with coming into order with its parents. They generally did well when God moved powerfully but tended to go back to their own ways when He was quiet. (I recognize the extreme generalization here.)

The Israelites challenged God and His representative Moses often, leading them to their own harm. I confess that if I had done all the things my parents told me to do, I would have lived a much easier and less painful life. My parents always warned me and taught me against all the things I chose to do myself, which brought me the most harm and suffering. I really identify with the Israelites.

The Israelites had a trouble I find in myself. I tend to relate to the hand of God (the things He does) more than I relate to the person of God (who He is). This is sort of a works versus faith type of thing. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve caught myself trying to earn God’s forgiveness instead of realizing how much forgiveness I have due to God being God. My thinking often errs on the human side instead of in heavenly understanding and acceptance.

All basic training was accomplished by the time Moses handed the mantle over to Joshua. The slaves had become a nation. The disobedient had died in the desert. Discipline and values had been trained into the people. They were ready.

The promised land was their inheritance, and through God’s promise, they owned it. However, they were not in possession of their inheritance. God spoke to Joshua in Joshua 1:1-9. (Read this passage as though Jesus was speaking it directly to you, and it will encourage you!)

Jesus spoke to His disciples in Luke 24:36-49. It was the same type of encouraging speech. It was also in preparation for them to receive the Holy Spirit because they were going to go out and turn the world upside down for the Kingdom of Heaven. They were on the verge of becoming conquerors through Christ and His work through the Holy Spirit. The parallels are very interesting.

They needed extreme encouragement. They were being taken to the next stage. They were going to take their inheritance by force. They had been trained for the work ahead of them. They had been freed for the work ahead of them. So many comparisons are here to be examined. So how does that work toward focus?

I find that I, and many like me, get so busy or so caught up with what God and life is up to that we forget the most important thing – our relationship with Jesus. Winning the promised land was a given. God had promised it. The most important thing was their relationship with the living God. The miracles were accomplished because God is the rescuer. It is who He is. The most important thing is not the rescue, but the God who rescues.

Same in the New Testament. Miracles, healing, prophecy were all powerful proofs of Jesus. Those things are given. Where Jesus is, those things are available and will happen. Jesus hasn’t changed. The most important thing is not the power and miracles, but the Jesus who does those things for His children and His people.

The focus is Jesus. God is amazing. He walks in power and generosity. Those things are a by product of who He is. Those are the things He does. Jesus is more than the things He does. He is God. Having a personal relationship with Him is actually more powerful and more important than any of the miracles you may have experienced or heard about. The focus for me is learning to walk in the intimacy of relationship with the Living Lord Jesus. I’m in way beyond my depth.

I created a list of the things that went wrong throughout a past vacation, which was the final roundup of a summer I misused, a summer in which I felt terribly unsatisfied. I tie it to thoughts about the 10 virgins as part of my process to grasp the experience.

I leaked oil all summer. My impatience became the source of the leak by not resting and trusting in Jesus. I leaked a little oil every time I did not rest in Him because I was not waiting in focused belief. Waiting in focused belief means having confidence in my relationship with Him to a point that the circumstances and appearances don’t distress me.

When I fail, I get distressed. When I get distressed, I rely more on myself and become more acutely aware of my circumstances and all the things that distress me. That makes me try harder, taking my eyes further from the Lord, and entering a downward spiral, leaking all my oil. At the point the Lord and Master comes, I am not ready because the distress has leaked the oil. I am running around trying to find my peace (a little oil) so I can hear and respond to the Lord, while those who maintained their focused faith had plenty of oil and their souls were ready for the Lord.

The war between a physical man of planet earth who has much or most of his self-image based on his production or ability to produce is a major part of this scene. The warring enemy to this human identity is a relationship with Jesus which requires being in relationship. Circumstantial productivity is a by-product and not the focus. I am unable to produce anything which will make Him love me or approve of me more. We are in relationship, like the friend who cheers your world by just the sight of him or her down the hall without even speaking. It is who they are. It is the relationship.

I had great ambitions for that vacation. All I wanted or needed to produce failed. I thought it was about the doing, producing, reading, praying business. It wasn’t. It was about having my lamp full in a focused, believing, relationship. It was about separating myself from my circumstances to enjoy loving the Lord so our relationship could be stronger than the situations and my own fantasy about being productive. It was about settling down to be His, especially when I’m a failure by all my own measures – a place of ultimate peace and security in Him. God was loving me all summer, and especially on my vacation in an effort to capture me into His peace and joy. He spent His summer fishing for me. I was the lost lamb He wandered and searched to find.

The light slowly began to dawn on me that God was trying to help me accept that He really loves me. He was proving it by allowing me to get myself in a situation in which I had no choice but see His love and accept it.  In my own eyes I had failed utterly and completely. I had nothing in my hands that I could use to validate myself from any standard I hold, including that of connecting up openly with the Lord.

It was reflectively being in the belief of failure with those related feelings towards myself that I carried when I turned to look into His face. There was no place to run and hide. Everything had bottomed out. I had to face the music and look to Him. I believed that He loved me. It became more than just an idea or concept. It became more of a personal, internalized acceptance. The face that looked back at me was not one of rejection or punishment or disappointment or any negative or derogatory thing. It was the face that said, “Everything is okay because we still belong to each other. I am so glad you’re mine.”

As I reflect over that summer, I began to see it as an intense session of healing instead of hurt and disappointment. I really think it was a time in which God wanted me to move closer into His arms and further away from the accusatory, blame centered, rejection-mode way of this world which many of us have allowed to become the way we relate to ourselves.

His face is the face everyone dreams of seeing. Yet, his face is the first one we turn from when we look at ourselves through our own eyes and the eyes of the world. But, His face is there. His face can be seen. He really wants us to see Him looking at us, looking into us, showing us that the worst we are is nothing to fear. He wants us to know that He meant it when He said that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” He wants me and those like me to see the perfect face of love looking at us, drawing us closer to Himself.

Matthew 25, the story of the ten virgins, talks to me about my relationship with the Lord when He is out of sight, how I react. I can wait in peace and love for the one I trust. I can wait in boredom and distress. I can wait being active in my faith, or I can wait in fear of judgement and punishment. How I/we wait will indicate whether I/we have oil in our lamp or not when the Lord comes to us.