“I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry.” It is a basic tenant of life and primary function of relationships.. It takes two. One to see he has hurt, and the other has to choose to forgive or not. Apologizing is important for the offending person, even if the offended doesn’t forgive. We have a relationship with ourselves that requires truth and dignity. Recognizing our failing and owning up to it is important to the health of our inner self. Repentance and forgiveness are primary functions of faith because faith is a relationship with God as we understand Him.

I’ve learned that there can be a step beyond that. You can become so offended by your own mistake that you refuse to accept the forgiveness given by another. Even when the forgiving person warmly welcomes you back, you continue to punish yourself for your wrongdoing. This creates a sad isolation. I experienced this in my family. They forgave me, but I did not forgive myself. I did not accept full rights and privileges to the family. I treated myself like an outsider. The self-punishment even seemed honorable in a twisted way because they didn’t give the punishment I deserved by being generous.

I realized now that experience is like a parable about humanity and faith. My brother was the one who helped me forgive myself and re-enter the family without reservation. Jesus is the big brother that does that for us spiritually. We may somehow have intellectually realized that God has forgiven us when we ask Him. We may not realize that we continue to hold feelings against ourselves. It takes a big brother to help make the transition of forgiveness and acceptance possible because the brother proves it through his actions and his words.

One of the joyful and/or painful jobs of a Christian is to stand in for Jesus and be the physical example of forgiveness. “I will do as God in Christ has done for me. I will be the conduit that transitions outsiders back into the family,” is the plan. Sometimes that can be the toughest job on earth because we can hold on to hurt instead of Jesus like we hang on to the hurt within ourselves. We become the offender when we hold on to offense, unforgiveness.

We are living examples of relationships because we walk with the chief forgiver and can continually keep our relationship healthy. Repentance and forgiveness are daily processes of life, physically in this world and spiritually. Forgiveness is a life medicine.

We live in an extraordinarily dangerous world on all levels, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. We are so used to our own survival that we may not acknowledge how truly vulnerable we are. Age shows us that a casual misstep can be a fall with broken bones added. Yet we’ve seen double leg amputees live and thrive. We constantly face the mixed message of vulnerability and endurance.

We are amazing creatures with perception at every level of life. We can perceive the smallest breeze or change in temperature to picking up on the slightest inference in a vocal tone or word. Our perceptions are within our own body and without in all that surrounds us. Perceptions all require interpretation. What does our perception mean? How are we to respond? All levels can choose their own independent response from ignore to hight alert. We are amazingly complex.

I wonder if our survival hasn’t given us an instinct of simplification with a first response of safe or danger. Humans often turn things to their worst side by their automatic inclination to interpret things as a threat. I wonder if that isn’t survival imbedded in us. It turns all things into warnings but also as harbinger of doom through interpretation, habitual thinking.

I believe we are spiritual creatures with spiritual perception. Part of that spiritual perception is represented in the ease with which we turn things into omens and superstitions. All cultures are filled with these in story form, experience, and response. We know that evil is around us in our omens and superstitions. That is also an indirect way of proving faith. Omens and superstitions turn us to fear and our own inability to completely protect ourselves. It also proves that God is and hope is because evil could not be discerned if there were no opposite to it.

This Halloween might be a good time to get in touch with our fears and decide those are the locations we prefer God to inhabit in our lives. There is always the fun of a ghost story well told, but real fear devours our ability to live free and function. “Perfect love casts out fear,” according to a guy named John. I believe that people who pursue the true love that casts out fear will find Jesus. He is alive and available.

I was very destructive as a child and young man. My father had to remove me from the will and the family to protect the others from my destructiveness. It was painful, but a great gift of personal accountability, a gift that drove me into faith and personal growth. Jesus put me in the presence of resources and counselors to teach me how to face the truth, to overcome failings, especially self pity, and to learn the disciplines of personal growth.

The rest of the family suffered during the destructive years. My brother, Jim, has probably had the best view of my worst and the change worked through the intervention of Jesus. What he didn’t know was how important he is and was to the process. Dad talked Jim into keeping an open mind toward me when Jim had come to the end of his patience. He chose the open mind despite his hurt.

My relationship with the family grew warm and was healed. They were faster to accept my change than I was. I was accepted with all rights and benefits. I still felt feel like the child with his face pressed against the window, wanting to come inside. What I’d done and what I’d been was a stumbling block. Jim was the one who opened the door.

My parents both died. I realized that I was still holding back because of what I’d been and what I’d done. Jim was the one who pointed out that I had changed and become what my family wanted all along. He took me through the last steps of restoration and helped me finish a major section. of the Lord’s work in my life.

I am a Christian witness because I’ve seen how hard God works to heal and restore through my personal experience. I see how much I fought against change and still resist it, even knowing that the change is right and for the best. I have personally tested and experienced the motives, values, and priorities of God being applied to my life. My brother and I can both see what a difference it has made in me. I can see that I have so much further to go, but have the hope that Jesus won’t give up just because I have so much more to overcome. My experience has trained me in hope, hope I can offer to others, encouragement given to be shared. I truly appreciate all the teachers and examples the Lord has put in my life.

Sometimes I warn people I talk to that I’m a Christian and see things from that perspective. It is sad that has become a way to detox a conversation before it starts. It is my perspective and doesn’t have to be theirs. I am not a dictator. I tend to disagree with the primary way I’ve personally experienced one-on-one evangelism.

I remember walking down the street in Lincolnton, North Carolina and running into a man who was handing out Bible tracts. He asked me if I was saved. I said I was. He offered a tract. I said I didn’t need it. He quizzed me about how I was saved. I said the usual way. He asked me to come to his church. I said I was happy in the church I attended, and he continued to push me to attend his church. He said a lot in that dialogue, most of which I didn’t like.

He started with a saved question that requires a stranger to understand religious concepts and terminology, which is unfair. Jesus spoke to us in our language without requiring us to understand His background and church vision. The witness didn’t believe me when I said I was saved and didn’t believe my church was adequate. He did not respect or accept anything beyond his understanding and experience. He felt the need to be in control.

Being in control is not the same as loving someone. Being in control means a person has to be able to determine and judge the outcome to measure success. Loving takes no control of the outcome. It cares for the person as they are and respects their choice and perspective, even when disagreeing.

Jesus had a complete revelation of the beauty of God and communicated that beauty in the language with examples completely appropriate to the listener. English teachers say the same. Know your audience. Communicate in language they can understand. Be respectful of your audience. We make communication about us when it is really about the relationship we have with others. Caring should show throughout the communication process.

The truth is that we, as Christians, can be as immature and thoughtless as anyone else, even when we are doing our best in our faith. It is easy to forget that witnessing is about the beauty and wonder of God, not about our religion and personal process of growth. We are children of growth in His kingdom, not finished products to take charge of others. We are caretakers, not controllers. We are sent to love on those He already loves and share His beauty with those for whom He cares.

I am fascinated with individual perspective as I have it and as I see it manifested in others. It is odd that we, who are in the picture, often think we can see ourselves as well, if not better, than the camera person. I think my friends can often see me better than I can because they are not fettered with the need I have to see myself in a good light. I can somehow justify anger based on the person or event which triggered the anger instead of the brokenness in me which was the real cause of the anger.

My wife had a gift of calling on me right when I was going to sit and rest. I decided I was going to let her know that her talent was upsetting when I realized that it wasn’t her at all. It was revealed that she had no idea when I was going to sit. Her call was coordinated to test how loving I was and how willing I was to put others first. It was a real heart check, which I failed at the time. I’m still in a learning mode.

Babies provide revelation. Children under two have no problem with a diaper change. They have no issue, discomfort, or embarrassment with having someone else take off the old, clean the mess, and put on the new. They immediately go back to playing without a backward glance. They have yet to learn the shame and embarrassment that comes with training to live in this world. We call every mess a mistake, a faulty label. There are no mistakes for the growth oriented because all are training events in the process of going forward. We are victimized and unintentionally victimize others as though we were all born without the need for diapers and diaper changes, as though we could do all things perfectly the first time — a truly painful perspective.

Each of us is on a different growth timeline. We grow at different speeds and in different ways. It is easy to forget that the immature are now standing in their timeline where we have stood. Impatience is born and expressed when one person cannot respect another’s place on his/her timeline. It is amazing that the Lord deals wonderfully and uniquely with each of us as we are each in our own learning and growing timeline. He does not move to embarrass or shame us, but to move us forward toward a healthier and happier future with Him. I want to be more like that. I’m trusting that becoming more like that is on my growth timeline. I also wouldn’t mind a little less guilt and embarrassment when I make a mistake/mess. I’m sure that’s on my timeline too.

The sorting hat in Harry Potter is an interesting image. The hat sees into the person and determines where they will fit best in the school. I’ve watched coin machines work through bags of coins, putting each coin in its proper place and thought it would be convenient if we humans could do something like that, easier than all the trial and error we normally go through. Hardship or tragedy sometimes operate like a sorting hat because it reveals the true qualities of a person to themselves and to those around them.

Tragedy can clear away so much confusion. It can cause people to sort between their true and supposed priorities and grasp hold of the ones that are near and dear to their hearts. It can show the true character of a person beyond all the pretenses and affectations. It can prove some people and establish that what they say is what they mean and do. It can also show when they play fast and loose with the truth, pushing appearance over reality.

We all need friends to walk with us, regardless of what the sorting of hardship shows about us. We need friends when we are true blue. We need friends even more when we find we are extremely slack in our values and maturity. I don’t believe any of us would survive to find maturity without the sacrifice of those who have to endure us when we aren’t. It is important to realize the sacrifice of those who care for us and to express it to them.

Our hardships also sort those around us and show us who loves us beyond convenience and self benefit. Their generosity is not only our greatest joy, but a proof of God. Jesus is that Devine point of best and worst. Man was at his worst, attempting to kill God for interfering with our control. Jesus gave Himself as the liaison between perfect love and perfect selfishness. He is proof.

Love is a big and common word in our world. I think it is often used when a synonym would be more appropriate or even a descriptive phrase. I love you could really mean like, attracted, lust, desire, admire, respect or other like terms. My mind is set on the definition of love that does not have any “give to get” in it. I feel that true love is a giver without thought of receiving. It is sacrificial in nature. The love chapter in the Bible is beautiful if you are on the receiving end and expensive if you are on the giving end. It gives without taking or requiring. It costs your life.

I’ll use the name Barney because I don’t and haven’t had any friends named Barney. Barney was a high school chum and one of the most inconvenient people I’ve ever known. He came to my house in elementary school to spend the night. We stole cigarettes. We poked holes in my window screen upstairs so we could poke out the cigarettes if someone came, and they did. Dad came stampeding upstairs, threw open the door, flipped on the light, and saw the cloud of smoke in the room. Then he saw the holes in the screen and ran yelling downstairs. My window was right over the fuel oil tank that was walled in with the ground under it thick with dry leaves. Dad got the fire out until he returned to us. Then, he was in flames. My friendship with Barney was like that until he died some years ago. I loved him like a brother without any reason I can define.

Marriage is like that. There is a lot of “I get” in marriage. Some of the “I get” comes at my wife’s expense without her getting any dividends in return. She loves as a gift with no payment required. I am grateful and grateful for her example. I want to be like her and others like her who are beautiful in giving. They are examples of Jesus. Jesus has given without our ability to repay in any way at all. There is no way to earn His love or pay Him back.

Here is the irony. Jesus’s expectation or request is that we accept Him and His gift so we can receive more. Accepting His gift is like my receiving my wife’s. It produces change in me. The generosity makes me desire to be better and do better because I can see and experience the true value of the gift. Relationship with Jesus is the gift that keeps on receiving and models a life that keeps on giving.

Children under two are walking and running around. Yet, even small things can upset them. They cry when they bump into a table or fall unexpectedly or drop a toy where they can’t pick it up. They look to a source of comfort, a parent, and they run to comfort. A parent is a giant and can handle all the giant things in a child’s life from a child’s perspective.

It is sad when we are the giant and have to handle all giant things ourselves. We really aren’t giants. We accept that some people are giants in their fields of expertise like a CPA or a medical doctor. They are giants limited to the range of human abilities. There is much more going on that is beyond humanity. It is easy to see how much we’ve progressed since neanderthal man, but impossible to imagine what lies ahead in the whole of creation.

Somehow, man innately understands he is a spiritual creature, more than flesh, feelings, and thought. Every generation of man has sought to understand spiritual truth, patterns, and God. There is far more to life than physical creation. We are children still in the face of giants. There is evidence and proof of God, but it is easier to have faith in science than faith in God even though both have facts, evidence, and require faith.

It is curious that people can trust down to their level and below and not trust up, that there is a creator who structured all life. We will easily go to a CPA about finances, who may or may not be trustworthy, but not to the creator who has made Himself visible and available. It must have to do with giving up control to someone or something else. A child has to accept a parent’s authority to get a parent’s comfort and provision. I met an atheist who wasn’t really concerned about whether or not there was a God. He just wanted to be a giant in his own world instead of a child in another’s. I prefer Jesus who has proven Himself and accept an ongoing childhood.

Marriages born of differences are gifts for growth, but pride, selfishness, and cruelty would turn them into tools of destruction. One’s venting becomes the other’s abuse unless the two learn to see the truth behind the actions from God’s generosity and compassion. The first learns that venting is release not attack and must be open to counsel. The other realizes the frailty of the first, denies offense, and gets help or provides help as the Lord and the other allow.

Coffee is not a solution to all problems, nor is a quiet cup of tea. It is pretty much a guarantee that both upset partners will need to examine themselves when a crisis arises. Assuming that the other is the source of the problem is an issue of pride, more than enough reason to apologize and accept change. A quiet time of prayer can open doors for both upset partners. When the two are expecting God’s truth to intervene, the two in distress can be dealt with in positive ways.

Anger can be reduced in the presence of thankfulness. My wife and I have been married 47 years so far. The more time I look to see thankfulness for her, her gifting, the more I see, which is more reason for thankfulness. Thankfulness looks past the offense and into the face of opportunity because it sees something better coming on the horizon for both parties. It is absolutely true that the lesser qualities of each can be beneficial to both in a healthy growth environment.

A healthy growth environment is created by wisdom. Wisdom is a characteristic that is formed by the ability to be taught, corrected, and humble. It searches to use knowledge in its right purpose instead for selfish reasons. Knowledge can be destructive because it can be limited to human ability. Wisdom has to be connected to God and His purer values which will build up and not tear down, will heal and not destroy.

True marriage is a contract for two humans to collaborate with God, who has their best in mind. He will cause the two to constantly increase in joy, health, and well-being. They will gain ground in troubles, being strengthened instead of weakened, both personally and in marriage. Destruction is not a requirement, no matter how many disparage marriage. Marriage can, because it was intended to be, the most wonderful relationship ever experienced. It is an example of life with Christ.

I am an old guy with old guy values. I believe that God created women beautiful from the beginning without any need of additional work. Society, on the other hand, uses beauty standards to enslave and injure women. Men would never put up with the inconveniences created by fashion designers who must hate women. Their clothes are inconvenient with all the buttons, zippers and fasteners in places that almost require assistance or a contortionist ability. The cruelest part is the constant attack women undergo if they aren’t in style or surrendering to societal demands. This demand is historical. Women died due to corsets or suffered severe health issues in the past.

Models are my example of famine. They are starving in a land of plenty. They are gifted with beauty by public standards, but spend much of their wealth trying to be more. Clothing, plastic surgery, make up, and so many other beauty expenses damage their finances and prove that they are unable to be satisfied with themselves. Interviews show that they are extremely aware that they have a short life span for being a model just like most athletes have a limited time span in their sport.

Models and athletes are extreme examples. All people tend to feel like they live under a microscope, being evaluated and judged by the people and circumstances around them. Standard memes on public media joke on the assumption that women will constantly judge other women behind their backs. Youth are a primary target of advertisers and social media to set standards and trends for them to follow. Many girl students came to school complaining that they could not find long shorts because the stores only sold shorter shorts than the school required. I believe it is true. People and society are cruel, often without thinking.

Jesus deals with people according to who they are, not how they appear. Women were highly respected and welcomed into ministry in the New Testament, despite a few of the commonly misquoted verses which would attempt to subjugate them. It is not right to put another down to make self feel better. It is a failing of humanity to favor those most like self and demean those living in a different pattern. It is cruelty to degrade others who have done no wrong except being different. Jesus enters all countries, all cultures, in all places to rescue people from the cruelty and death of selfishness and evil. I need to be like that. the more people who are like that, the better the world will be.